Fic: A LITTLE PAIN
Author: Fyra (fyrathilwen)
Word count: 813
Pairing: Fuji x Tezuka
Summary: Fuji's life has definitely changed since he met Tezuka.
A/N: non-beta-read; mistakes can show up.
Warnings: spoiler! Hints of Fuji's first singles match in the national tournament.
I have never wanted to know how it feels.
You told me once stroking my hair that you hate it in me.
I just laughed.
You know, following you while you are caring more about others than me wasn’t a simple thing to do. I don’t even know what could catch my attention if it was about you.
Was it your calmness? Or your glorious appearance?
Or did I find you simply similar to me?
I have always thought we would understand each other perfectly. Both of us are good at studying, we are doing our best at tennis...
Of course, you know it better than anyone else. I am really not doing my best. Nobody has ever pressed me to even go near to my limits. And that is to say, without this pressure, I haven’t ever felt the motivation to find out what I am able to do either.
Playing with you was something I wouldn’t ever forget… you made me explore new things, your style amazed me; I was filled with enjoyment and respect to you at the same time…
Do you take me seriously, Tezuka? Have you ever tried to?
Or should I ask the same from myself?
I saw the sparkling in your eyes when you were watching Echizen’s development… it caused some new pain in my heart I didn’t know before. This was the first time I met jealousy. It felt bitter… but for some reason, it made me be grateful to you…
Why is tennis your number one priority in life, Tezuka?
Why can’t you look at it as a simple game, at something that amuses you?
Why couldn’t you accept that I didn’t give in everything I had?
You kissed me on that afternoon…
Your gentle lips touched mines and I got to know the purest form of groove. But I couldn’t see anything on your face… you made me desire your soul and your heart, and you didn’t even show the smallest sign of interest in me. Am I really that terrible?
I don’t remember the last time I cried before. The swirl of new experience you taught me didn’t let me live my life the way I used to. But still… your teasing wasn’t enough to make me care more about the world around me.
Your fingers were wondering up and down on my back, your touch gave me shiver. The others left a while ago… there were only the two of us in the club room. Did you use me? Was I the one using you?
“I don’t love you.”
“Why are you here with me then?”
“I have to do it for the team’s sake.”
“Self-sacrificing as always, right?”
“Don’t joke about it, Syuusuke.”
“I am not joking.”
“Wipe down your mask, finally. Show me your true self.”
“Do you think I have one?”
“… I am not sure.”
“I am not sure either. But…”
“You know, I will hate you if you don’t try.”
“You hate me already, don’t you?”
“I can be neither a new Tezuka nor another Echizen.”
“If you go on playing around, you won’t be anyone who deserves my love either.”
“Why do you think I need it?”
“You do have emotions after all.”
I thought I didn’t deserve all these words. Who was the one playing around that time, Tezuka? Why were you the one that told off me about passion? You, who hasn’t product a single smile for three years; I might have been able to accept these words from anyone else… but you?
The next day you lost your match against Atobe.
You sacrificed your arm, your body, your talent… your future career for the team. You left for Kyuushuu without saying a single word to me.
Something changed again…
You know, Tezuka, it is said that changing is permanence in our life.
I may be the counterexample… I have been just the same since I was born.
Then you stepped in my life.
And now, I’m sitting here alone. The towel is lying on my head and hides the world gently. It hides those piteous looks I get from the others.
… isn’t it funny?
You wanted me to be passionate. You wanted me to fight. You wanted me to give everything I have in it.
I gave much more than I actually had…
It feels worse than I have ever imagined. I could have been playing around like I used to do and then leave the court with an apologizing smile on my face.
But I had to follow your words.
I did it, Tezuka. Were you watching me?
Are you proud of me?
I wish you hadn’t found me empty.
I wish you hadn’t changed me.
I wish I didn’t hate you for that now, Tezuka.